We Were Built to Fall Apart and Fall Back Together
by choose joy xox
Summary: "That's why he and Spencer worked. Not because they loved each other, because that wasn't always enough. He only had to look at his own parents to see striking evidence of that fact. No, he and Spencer worked because they were two imperfect people that refused to give up on each other." Spencer and Toby's thoughts throughout the Spoby PAIN of season 5.
1. Chapter 1

**I AM STILL SO EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW. THAT EPISODE KILLED ME AND I JUST LITERALLY AND TRULY DON'T KNOW WHY.  
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**I thought their fight was beautiful. It wasn't even a fight. It was a battle over who could out protect the other. And it was beautiful and tragic and desperate and just so THEM and I loved it. But I was also very unsatisfied, because a lot of people on tumblr are being very anti-Toby right now and this is my collective stop being dumb guys. Because if you couldn't see how much that killed him then I don't want to talk to you.**

He wasn't shutting her out. He was trying to get her to shut HIM out. He just wants to protect her.

**So these are Toby's thoughts. This is all.**

**Oh no this is not all. The title is from Out of the Woods by Taylor Swift, and I think Taylor must ship Spoby guys, because her lyrics are so perfect for them sometimes.**

**Oh and Falling to Pieces was supposed to be up today, but I got distracted by intense feels. I will try for tomorrow.**

TPOV

He slammed the exterior door to his loft with a satisfying clunk and leaned heavily against it, the solid steel being the only thing holding his battle weary body up. What the hell had he just done?

He jammed the heels of his hands into his closed eyes, pushing down until swirls of light started to transform the blackness. All he wanted to do was to block out her face, her _words._

_"You told me once that I could tell you anything."_

A literal knife to the heart would have hurt less. Because it was true. He _had _said that. And he meant it; he still meant it. He wanted nothing more than to sit her down, kiss away her tears, and to remind her of how much he loved her. But he couldn't. He _couldn't._

And that's why he walked away. Not because he didn't love her. Not because he didn't care, but because he cared too much. He had a strong suspicion that that was the cause of most of their fights. It wasn't a lack of caring but a surplus.

If he hadn't left when he had he wouldn't have ever been able to bring himself to leave. Not when she was crying. Not when she was saying things like that. If he hadn't left when he did he'd have pulled her into his arms and never let go, but what purpose would that have served? What good what it'd have done? It would have provided her with a very short sense of comfort; comfort that A would have ripped away at the first opportunity. But by leaving he stood a chance at ending this for good. That was the choice that he made.

In November he had impulsively joined the aforementioned villain in the hopes of destroying the organization from the inside, but it had failed. He returned to her with nothing to show other than their mutual broken hearts. But even to this day, the only thing that he regretted was letting her believe that he was dead. Working on his inside could have worked had things gone just slightly differently. If he had worked hard enough he could have let her know that he was okay without breaking his cover.

_He walked purposely down the broken sidewalk. It was uneven, but he didn't look down even once. Maybe a fall would cause some external pain that matched the agony raging in what was left of his tattered heart. There wasn't any questioning it. He was the worst person on the planet. How could he not be after breaking an angel?_

_Spencer Hastings had saved him in ever single sense of the word. And he repaid her by ruining her. But he ruined himself in the process, so maybe his atonement began there._

_He approached the gate with every intention of getting inside. His mission was singular in its nature. He had to get inside. He had to let her see that he was okay. He couldn't imagine her wanting anything to do with him, but he also knew Spencer well enough to know that she would be shouldering the guilt for this. She took on the weight of the world. Things that weren't even close to being her fault weighed heavily on her, but his fictitious death was the straw that broke the camel's back._

_He sent her to Radley. The only person left on the planet that he was sure that he loved was stuck in a mental hospital because of his stupidity._

_But as he looked up at the ominous, iron clad gates he slowed to a stop. Those inpenetrable bars may have been designed to keep people inside, but they were also an effective deterrent. He looked up at the brick building and contemplated its history. They had failed to keep his mom safe from herself, but Spencer wasn't mentally ill. She was just broken. She could be fixed, she just needed time. And maybe- Maybe Radley could keep her safe while she remembered who she was and why the world needed Spencer Hastings in it._

_The world needed her, but she was the only one who needed him. She needed him to end this. And he would, he could. But if he broke her out right now all of her suffering would have been for nothing. All of this pain would have been pointless. He would end this. He had to end this._

_He looked up at the building for a long moment before turning away. She was in there. She was so close, but he still couldn't have her. And really, did he deserve her anymore?_

_"I love you, Spencer," he whispered as he pulled up his hood and jogged down the sidewalk. He had to put some distance between himself and Radley before he changed his mind. "I love you so much," he whispered again, his words feeling more like a goodbye than a declaration._

He should have gone to her that night. He shouldn't have let her go down that rabbit hole alone. What was wrong with him?

And now he was falling down that rabbit hole all over again. The similarities between his delusional draft into the A team and his naive career change weren't lost on him. He did both with little consideration as to the long term consequences. He had tunnel vision, and he wasn't sure if it was to his detriment or his advantage. Because God, if he could end this for her... if he could finally unmask A... all the pain and tears would be worth it. But on the other hand, if he had anticipated how much this would hurt her he never would have done it. Because it was all for her in the end. Everything that he did was for her, and if it wasn't helping then what was the point?

He hadn't anticipated how hard this would be. If he was just a normal guy and Spencer was just a normal girl everything would be fine. He saw her face when she first saw him in his uniform. She was proud of him, and he was so happy for having done something worthwhile. He was just a fuck up. He fucked up everything he touched, but he did this. He finished the police academy in record time, and he did it well. He thought he was finally accomplishing something, but he was wrong. He fucked this up too. Because how was he supposed to be Spencer's boyfriend and decent cop at the same time. His girlfriend and her friends were constantly skirting and often overtly breaking the law. It was justifiable, but it was still something that his oath obliged him to report.

He would _never _hurt Spencer, but he was a terrible liar. Tanner would know if she asked him a direct question, and he couldn't risk her finding out anything from him, even if it was just an accident. Even if she could tell from his face that Spencer was involved in something, even if that was the extent of it, it would be too much for him to bear. He _had _to protect her.

He would never hurt her.

God, but when he grabbed her... why had he done that? It hadn't been hard enough to hurt her, but the fear on her face cut straight through him. For a second, no matter how fleeting it was, she had been really and truly afraid of him. He was just trying to get her to listen to him. He just had to make her stop talking before she told him something that he couldn't know. He hadn't meant to hurt her.

Was he turning into Jenna? Because he didn't think that she purposely hurt him either, but she did. She broke him just like he was breaking Spencer.

_She sighed and pulled herself up off of him, grabbing her shirt off of the ground and pulling it off of her head. "You remember what happens if you tell?" She asked him softly._

_He just stared vacantly at the wall, cruel thoughts swirling around his head like wisps of smoke. Disgusting. Weak. Pathetic. Jenna was half of his size. He could protect himself, yet still he let her hurt him. Why? Why did he put up with this?_

_She gave him a sad look before walking out of the room. She always seemed guilty afterward, but if she felt badly then why did she keep doing it? As soon as she was out of sight he crawled off of his bed and into the shower in his bathroom. He turned the hot water on high and stepped into the cool porcelain. He sat on the ground, letting the hot water scald his back as he tried to scrub away any remains of what had just happened. He'd keep scrubbing until the pain went away._

And here he was. He tried so hard to help her, but at every turn he just hurt her more and more. Maybe she'd be better off without him. He pitched his aching body off of the door and rounded around the corner. He didn't even realize that he was crying until he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. Angry red tear tracks ran down his cheeks.

Before he even realized what he was doing he spun on his heel and slammed his fist into the wall, plaster and dust falling to the floor. He pulled his hand out of the hole and put his other hand on the wall, sliding to his knees, a painful sob pushing through his snarled throat. He couldn't do this. He couldn't live _this life anymore. _He didn't want to be Toby Cavanaugh, the fuck up. He wanted to be Toby Cavanaugh, the boyfriend that Spencer needs and the one of the only decent cops in Rosewood history. He wanted to be both.

But maybe he couldn't be both.

His phone buzzed on the table and he glanced at it out of the corner of his eye. He would have let it go, but what if it was Spencer? He didn't know if he could bring himself to face her right now, but he knew that he would find a way if she needed him. But his shoulders slumped as he skimmed over a meaningless text from his dad. Spencer wouldn't contact him first. She was too stubborn.

He typed out a quick text before he could stop himself. _'I'm sorry. Can we talk?'_

He waited with bated breath, praying that he didn't ruin the only thing in his life that mattered. It felt like forever, but it was really only a moment or two before she responded.

_'Come over tomorrow after school. -S'_

As soon as he looked up from the text his eyes fell on the Scrabble board she had made for him for their anniversary. Scrabble was at the beginning of their relationship, maybe it could help him now. Maybe a game of Scrabble was all he needed to help him figure out what to do.

He slumped against the wall and closed his eyes again. Honestly, it didn't matter what they did in the short term. Things would work out with Spencer. They always did, because he _loved her. _He loved her more with every breath he took. He thought he loved her the day that she bought his truck, but that was nothing compared to what he felt for her now. He thought love was an emotion that you either flipped on or off. Either you loved someone or you didn't, but he was wrong because his love for that girl grew every single day.

But even more than any of that, love was a choice. It was a conscious decision. And that's why he and Spencer worked. Not because they loved each other, because that wasn't always enough. He only had to look at his own parents to see striking evidence of that fact. No, he and Spencer worked because they were two imperfect people that refused to give up on each other. They chose to be together every day, and if he had any say at all, that wouldn't be stopping anytime soon. He loved Spencer Hastings more than life itself and he would never stop. He would never _choose _to love her any less than he did right in that moment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Guys I just have to write this. Even if this isn't exactly where Toby's mind is I'm sure it's something like this. He's planning something guys. It's going to be okay.**

TPOV

It was all too much. Everything was too much. This life wasn't sustainable for long, so he sincerely hoped that the problem was soon resolved. Boyfriend Toby and Cop Toby and Friend Toby and Moral Toby... there were so many sides to him. He _had _to be good at being a cop. But loyalty to the police made it difficult to be loyal to his law skirting girlfriend. And sticking to his morals made it so difficult to look past the questionable things that his friends chose to do; he understood it. He knew that the things that they chose to do were necessary for their survival. But the part of him that was so intrinsically against lying bucked away from them.

He wanted to be all of those things. He wanted to be a cop. He wanted to be a friend and a good boyfriend. He wanted to be honorable. But he didn't know how to do all of those things at once. He jammed the palms of his hands into his eyes. Swirls of white danced around in the blackness of his vision. He knew that he couldn't solve everything that went wrong in Spencer's life. He _knew _that. But he could do this. He could do this.

But God, it was so hard. Because if he was going to do this well he had to push her away. Actually, that wasn't quite right. He never wanted to push her way, but he needed her to push him away. He needed her to stay away for awhile, because when she was constantly calling him and stopping by the station it made Tanner suspicious. He saw now that she kept him close, that she tucked him under her wing, because she didn't trust him. She saw his exact plan without any effort at all. To make her trust him she had to see that Spencer wasn't around.

But even more than any of that, he could never lie to Spencer. Sometimes he could pull off a lie, but never to Spencer. That's why he had to push her away last year when he was searching for Doctor Palmer. That's why he didn't pursue her forgiveness when he was traveling down the -A road. Spencer would see right through him. If he saw her his carefully constructed facade would slowly start to crack, and Spencer would see those cracks. She could always tell.

And that's why he was avoiding her. Not because he wanted too. God, it was the last thing he wanted. He could hear the pain in her voice when he talked to her. He knew that she was scared of being left behind; with a family like hers how could she not be? She had always been taught that love was based on what you do, not who you are. But he could never imagine a time where he wouldn't love Spencer more than anything in the world.

She should know that. And honestly, he was sure that she did. She had to know that he was still working for her. He was happy as a carpenter, and he could have been happy doing that forever. He enjoyed being a cop, but it was fully because of Spencer that he chose to change his career. As a carpenter he could be her emotional support, but as a cop he could really make a difference.

It took some effort, but finally Tanner listened to him. He was finally able to plant enough doubt to inspire an investigation Holbrook, and now he was gone. Holbrook could still cause damage from the sidelines, but it wasn't in the same capacity. He was able to gather information from the inside this way. He hadn't told Spencer about Alison's blood or the fact that they were fairly certain that there were human remains in the barrel. He hadn't told her that she was still under suspicion, because it wasn't necessary yet. But the second that she needed him he would be there. Nothing in the world could keep him away.

But she didn't need him right now. Maybe she did emotionally, but she would hang on. She always did. And he could comfort her forever, but that wouldn't provide any lasting relief. He could hold her and hug her and kiss away every tear that fell from her eyes. He would gladly spend the rest of his making sure that she was okay. But that wasn't what she really needed. Her emotions would never have any kind of stability if her life was still so fractured and splintered. She needed to feel safe, and that was what he was determined to do as a police officer. He would make Spencer safe and then he would help her piece her life back together. And he would never let anything hurt her ever again.

But if he went to her right now everything would be ruined. If he held her... if he saw her cry... he wouldn't ever be able to let go. And if he was going to hurt her, even for the greater good, it was going to be for a purpose this time. He wasn't going to go back to her with nothing to show for it again. He was going to end this. He was going to find -A.

So with a heavy heart he picked up the phone and dialed the seven numbers that were seared on his heart. She picked up within seconds. _"Hey!" _He could almost hear the smile in her voice. He nearly lost his nerve, but he knew that this was what was best in the long run.

"Hey," he said softly, grabbing a chunk of hair and pulling. Maybe if he had a little physical pain it would stop the agonizing shredding of his heart. It killed him to hurt her, but it was what was right in the long run.

There was a long pause. _"You aren't coming, are you?"_

He was glad this was a phone conversation because he was so glad that she couldn't see the tears that were pooling in his eyes. How could something that was so wrong be what was right? "I can't, Spencer. Something- something came up at work. I want too, but-"

_"No, I get it." _Her voice was so low that he could barely hear it. _"Toby, are we okay?"_

"**Spencer,**" he breathed. He knew he should downplay it, but he couldn't let her think for even a second that she wasn't still the single most important thing in his world. She was all that would ever matter to him. "Of course. I _love _you." The tears were falling now. He hated disappointing her.

He could hear her gentle sniffles. He hadn't thought their was anything left of his heart until he felt the final pieces break at the sound of her tears. "Please don't cry, Spencer. Everything will be okay. I promise."

She still didn't answer. "Do you trust me?"

This time she didn't hesitate. _"Yes."_

He smiled despite himself. At least that hadn't changed. "Then trust me now. I'll never stop loving you. Things are just- they're hard right now. But I'll figure it out. I promise I'll make things okay for you."

_"I love you too," _was her only reply before she hung up.

He looked down at his phone for a long time, his tears bouncing off of the picture of him and Spencer. He held her legs as she balanced against his back, his long blue shirt just barely skimming her thighs. She looked happy. When was the last time he saw her smile like that? When was the last time they had done anything as carefree as a photoshoot? When was the last time they did _anything _together that didn't involve an A investigation?

He sighed and put the phone down, pulling the file back to his chest. He skimmed through Holbrook's file. Maybe if he could figure out how he knew Alison he could figure out why he was helping her. He would figure this out. He owed it to her.

Right now everything felt wrong, but he wouldn't rest until he righted those wrong. He would fix things if it were the last thing he did. Because she was worth it. She was worth everything in the world.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is so short, but I had to write my feelings before bed. If you want to know how I think SPENCER feels read this. Because the way she lashed out at Melissa? No way she was only worried about Hanna. She gets emotional when Toby's involved. She gets logical when she needs to help her friends. Look back on other seasons and episode and that will tell you that little fact.**

**So I'm pissed, but I get it. It IS very in character for Spencer. It is. It's what she does when she's upset, she turns into an irrational bundle of stupid. But this is what I think she will feel.**

SPOV

She pulled away with a breathy gasp. Collin's lips were slightly chapped, probably a product of the bitter London air. It felt so good, but it also felt wrong in ways that she couldn't begin to describe.

She missed this. She missed feeling wanted. She missed, even if it was just for a fleeting moment, feeling like she was the most important person in someone's world. She missed feeling like she mattered.

But it wasn't what she wanted. It wasn't _who _she wanted.

She kept her eyes on the ground and stepped backward. "I'm going to go to bed."

"Spencer-"

His lilting British accent was pleasant to the ears, but it wasn't enough to stop her. She shrugged him off and ducked into Melissa's room. As soon as the door was shut behind her she held out her shaking hands in front of her. What the hell had she just done?

She closed her eyes for a second, doing everything she could to push back the clear blue eyes and smile that she loved the best. Because if she thought about him right now she wouldn't be able to hold herself together.

She pushed off the door and dug through her back for a second, looking for her pajamas. But the second her fingers touched the soft blue fabric she dropped it as though it burned her. Scrabble and lumpy beds and an A game that was still a manageable mean girl game... catching a glimpse of his toned body through the gap in the bathroom door, Jenna's glasses strewn across the floor, her first time sharing a bed with a boy... Memories of that day flashed through her brain of their own accord.

_Toby._

A quiet sob ripped through her throat as she slid to her knees. She fisted the plush white carpet, her knuckles aching from the force. What had she just done? _What did she do?_

She grabbed the shirt and held it to her nose, even though his scent was long gone. She could almost imagine it. She could never quite place the exact components of the aroma. It was all saw dust and his shampoo and something that was just so uniquely Toby.

Melissa's saying that sometimes relationships run their course was almost laughable. That was why she was so upset, because she knew that things weren't over with Toby. If she owed A anything it was making her secure in the steadfastness of her relationship. She never doubted Toby's loyalty to her. That was never the problem. The problem was that she doubted anything about herself that made her worthy of holding on to him.

And what made it all so much worse was that she knew that he would never do to her what she had just done to him.

It wasn't that she didn't love him anymore, because God knew that it was as far from the truth as anything could be. She may love him more today than she ever had, if she were being honest. That's why it hurt so badly. She knew that he had to have a plan. She knew that he wouldn't just abandon her for his job, but God, it was so hard for her mind to reconcile with what her heart craved. She missed him. She missed his laughter and his kisses and his way of making her feel like everything would be okay as long as she was wrapped up in his arms. She missed feeling safe. She missed her safe place to land.

But she was also so mad at him. He always did this. _He always did this. _No matter how many times she asked him not too, he always ran. He wasn't fooling her, that was what he was doing. He was running, because it was easier for him or because it was what he thought was best or because he was trying to protect her. But no matter what the reasoning, he was taking the choice away from her. He was making it impossible to choice him, because that was what she would have done. She would have chosen him every time over everything.

Her anger at him was only rivaled by her anger at herself.

So she gently folded the shirt back up and tucked it into her suitcase. Because as mad at him as she was, she didn't deserve the comfort that it would bring her. That fabric had touched his skin once, and if she couldn't touch him, if that was as close as she could get, she would take it.

But she didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve happiness, really. But what else was new?


End file.
